Parenting Standards

The topic I'd like to look at today is this: If there is a standard of behaviour in society, should I lower it to meet my child? Or should I raise my child up to meet the standard?

I don't often write about parenting due to the varying styles apparent in society. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to raising children. However, we all have the same legal obligations placed on us as parents in any definition. In Australia they are:

• Section 61B of the Family Law Act 1975 is: 'parental responsibility, in relation to a child, means all the duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which, by law, parents have in relation to children'.
• A 'child' is defined as a person under the age of 18 (child of a person, or child of a marriage. (Family Law Act 1975 - s4 http://www6.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s4.html#child)

One thing we know for sure is that there is a standard expected in society, but no-one can define what this standard should be or how to teach it in children. 

Even the most negligent parent enforces obedience to their instructions, even if those instructions are far from the accepted norm. 

In raising our 6 children, we based our standards on the Christian Bible. We are told that we have great young adults, but as parents we can see so many areas where we failed our children. Let me be clear - we don't feel successful and we don't feel that they are all making great life choices. We are proud of them in our own special way and do love them all immensely. 

The Christian values taught them to be honest, kind, thoughtful, hard workers etc

If a child is shy, does that mean they don't have to say hello to someone?

If a child is tired, does that give them the right to scream to get their way?

If a child does not want to wear a jacket on a very cold day, does that mean they are making the right choices?

Just because the child is learning to assert their own will does not mean they don't get held to a standard of behaviour. Allowing a child to make decisions before they have the knowledge base of the consequences of those decisions, is negligence on behalf of a parent. The parent needs to train a child to trust their 'aged' experience. This does not always imply 'discipline', but it does always imply training and safe consequences.

When your child goes to school they are held to a standard of behaviour. As a parent you are setting them up to succeed or fail based solely on the way you raise them at home before they are 4 and a half years old. 

Can I base this on science or fact? No, I am simply a Mum sharing my experiences, however, I do hope you can see that your direct influence on your child has a direct impact on their behaviour. 

I hope this blog has been thought provoking to you today. If you disagree, please note that that is your freedom to do so. 

Parenting and Footy?

Raising six children had its challenges that's for sure, but it also gave me many life experiences that I may never had have if it were not for my strong, Independent young people!

I often liken parenting to the process of a football game. There are many parts to be played but all have an impact at different stages, this can lead to success or failure.

First stage: Training. (1-4yrs)

Training is hard, it takes a natural action/reaction/habit/behaviour and transforms it to a conventional set of rules. The trainer trains the athlete's body, conditions it, teaches them how to fall, get up and go again. They are trained in resilience, health, time management, behaviour etc

In parenting, we train our children in the correct, socially acceptable behaviours (if we are any sort of parent). We discipline, correct, train and teach.

Second stage: Referee. (5-11yrs)

The Referee controls the game. They run just as much as the players, call timeouts, penalises poor play,  positions the players, and no-one has as much power as the Ref. 

In parenting we do this too. It is very tiring and they run us ragged at times - sport, school functions, camps, friends, sleepovers, teacher interviews, sibling rivalry, music lessons.... the list goes on. We make them eat good food for their health, get enough sleep, choose good friends, do their homework,, You know what I mean!

Third stage: Coaching. (12-16)

The Coach sits on the sideline, belting out instructions, sometimes the players listen, sometimes they don't. The coach claps at times and yells at times. His only goal is success for his players. The locker room comes with much discussion after the game.

As a parent I found this the hardest stage. My children either chose to listen to my instructions or chose not to listen. At this stage of life they start to assert their own free will and knowledge base, they made decisions that often didn't work out. Most of our arguments came at this stage of life because there was an awareness that it was their game now.

Fourth stage: Manager. (17-24)

The manager sits in the coaches box and watches the game, taking notes and giving feedback after the game. 

In parenting we allow our children to make mistakes and talk about them when the young adult is ready to listen and talk. 

The final stage is Friend/Colleague. (25+)

This is when we go the pub with our player and either celebrate the win or commiserate the loss. 

In parenting we become friends, talk, laugh and cry together. We support each other through life. 

I wrote this blog for my daughter Holly, who is currently in the training stage of parenting. Be encouraged Holly, this is the natural journey of all parents weather they know it or not. You are doing great!

Yes - Mary and Martha AGAIN!

When I was given the passage for Bible study, and read that it was on Mary and Martha, I found myself saying ‘Really Lord? Must I really look at this scripture again? I have studied it for years... surely I can’t get anything else out of it’ 

But He told me to just look at it again.

So I did. 

He told me to stop focusing on Mary or Martha, but on HIM.

He was approachable. That’s right - interruptible - and by a woman! And a single woman for that matter! If you know the culture then you know that this was taboo.

He was recognised as having authority over women. Martha, a stranger, appealed to Him because even though He was a guest in her house, He held the balance of power, He was the ‘head’.

I asked the question ‘why this house’ and ‘how did He happen upon this house?’ The answer is found earlier in the passage, when He sent out two of His Disciples to find a house of peace, and to eat whatever food was given to them.... hence the house of Mary, Martha and their brother Lazarus. 

Martha wasn’t all bad; she recognised Him, welcomed Him and His men in, prepared food to serve - she had a gift of discernment and a servant heart... 

I think Jesus addresses in her the need to be a ‘Kingdom thinker’, and that when she does that it won’t ever be taken away from her - comparing herself to Mary WILL.

It reiterated to me that this world and all of it’s enforced traditions, obligations and expectations will be surpassed by keeping our eyes fixed on the prize - Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. I don’t think Martha’s judgement call was wrong, but perhaps untimely and she wasn’t prioritising the important things - she invited Him in not only to serve Him - She would have known He was a Rabbi, and what a Rabbi teaches, it was considered an honour to have a Rabbi in your home. 

Perhaps Martha thought that he was like other Rabbi’s and needed to be fed and served, but Jesus showed that He was not interested in the Earthly expectations of men on women, or the pressures of society to meet a certain standard in mens eyes, but right here, in this moment,  Jesus elevates women to an equal status with men - ‘sit and be taught by me, be single minded, lay aside the worries and demands on you and just linger in My presence......’

After reading and studying this scripture a hundred times since salvation, I finally see Jesus - not the traditionally complaining Martha, or the accused lazy sister - but the man who came to bring salvation to the world - His words are worth listening to and my choice to choose Him over every expectation on me will never be taken away. 

He is my priority. 

The Vine and me.

John 15:4

It’s difficult to single out a phrase from Jesus without reading the context, though this was our challenge this week. Verse 4 in John’s Chapter 15 is surrounded by some great words of wisdom, words to chew on, an analogy to help us grasp a concept by which to live by.  Jesus teaches us so well that a couple of thousand years later here we are - still pulling it apart and grappling with the practical applications.

Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 

After the upper room, where the Disciples are most likely feeling a bit confused by the thought that Jesus was going to leave them; on their way down to Jerusalem, they pass by a vineyard. Jesus pauses for a moment. He likens himself to the Vine, and His Father to the gardener/vinedresser. He tells us that we are the branches and can only produce fruit if we remain in Him. 

While pondering this for a few days, the concept of Symbiosis popped into my mind. In and of itself a branch can do nothing but wither away. Only attached to the Vine can it grow, but only if the Vine is attached to the roots, and only if the roots are well planted and feed. Hence the fruit can only grow when the gardener tends to the soil. This relationship is such a beautiful one, and it all focuses on the production of fruit - fruit flowers are beautiful, the fruit gives so much life to the recipient and is important for life - yet fruit did not grow itself.... behind it is some pretty serious love and nurture. Remind you of something? (A teenager perhaps? US?)

“Remain in Me, and I will remain in you”.....

Cause and effect? Reciprocal? Conditional Imperative?

This relationship is 100% dependant upon human will.

Today - Will I? Or Won’t I?

The branch.

Within a branch is where all the action happens. The outer shell of the branch scales, ages and sheds as the inside grows, plumps. The natural end of the relationship is fruit, but in order to get there the branch has to grow. The inner fibres and tissues receive life and cleanse itself through the vine. 

Interestingly, as the branch gets bigger and older, it actually produces bigger and better fruit. 

When the gardener prunes, He also prunes off good healthy growth that may subtract away from the fruit. 

Fruit can be enjoyed and the seed falls to the ground to continue the cycle of life - perhaps likened to us imparting into another persons child, or older women training the younger woman? Food for thought..

The fruit

What is this fruit that should naturally grow out of the healthy relationship between the branch and the vine? Galatians 5:22-23 gives us some insight to this natural end that should be characteristic of every believer...... love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. 

Here is a relationship of submission - the Vine to the gardener, the branch to the Vine, the fruit to the branch. As the branch, we should drink in the life giving water that the Vine provides - the Holy Spirit, this leads to the natural end of fruit production and hence new life. 

The word ‘remain’ is used as a verb, an action word, to permanently tarry when all others leave. It again points to our decisions.... 

Today, Will I? Or Won’t I? 

Remaining attached to the Vine is to submit to the Vine dresser. To source our life and direction from the flowing waters/nourishment of the Holy Spirit.

Will I get my direction from the world or the Word? 

If you decide today to remain in Jesus, it will lead to blessing and life.

If you decide today to not remain in Jesus it will lead to curse and death. 

CHOOSE this day.....

Run in such a way....

Staying in the race is the easy part - not getting ‘side-tracked’ or ‘side-lined’, now that is the challenge.

Paul encourages us to ‘run in such a way as to win the prize and not get disqualified’ (paraphrased of course). This is not the only time he mentions running a race to win a prize (Philippians 3:14; Hebrews 12:1). He exhorts us to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, with perseverance and with focus.

On one hand, Paul tells us he doesn’t consider himself yet to have taken hold of it (Philippians 3:13) and then on the other hand he says he has “ fought the good fight, and finished the race” (2 Tim 4:7).

So then, what do we know of this race we are to run?

Well firstly, he is referring to the path we walk called life (SING ‘It’s life Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know, not as we know it).

And secondly he says to run it “In such a way...”  1 Corinthians 9:24-27

This is what I want to focus on.....

In such a way.....

‘That I myself may not be disqualified ‘

How do we get disqualified from a race? 

Break the rules 

Injury

Decision

‘In such a way’ - clearly meaning with knowledge of the rules then obedience, with integrity (doing the right thing even when no-one is looking) and application (put into practice, intentionally, that which you have been instructed to do).

So would it be fair to minimise it to these three words?

KNOW the Bible

OBEY the Word

APPLY the instructions 

KNOW OBEY APPLY - pick a book in the New Testament and simply read it. Read the whole letter as it was meant to be read. Try reading it out loud. Ask the Lord Himself to highlight something to ponder on. Then do it. 

1 Pe 3:15 tells us to always be ready with an answer for what we believe. You simply CANNOT do this IF you do not KNOW the Word. As a believer in Christ, it is imperative that you know the Word. 

1 Samuel 15:22 tells us that God would prefer us to Obey then sacrifice- Obey what? HIM! How do we know what He wants from us? We MUST read HIS Word.

To not be disqualified? This word in Greek is ‘Adokimos’ which when translated to the English means ‘a test of Apostleship’. It does not mean loss of salvation which many imply.

((Further reading where Paul backs this up :- Ro 8:13; Col 1:22-23; Heb 3:6; Heb 3:14; 1Pe 1:5))

The call on an Apostles life is ultimately found in these two Scriptures- 

1 Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself.

2 GO into all the Earth, preach and teach the Good news and make disciples.

We can be disqualified from the race for not obeying the rules, or for getting injured ( so as to not look after ourselves) or by Deciding we simply can’t or don’t want to do it. 

We are never out of the race. We may get side-tracked (distractions). We may be side-lined. But our team, the body of Christ, continues to run corporately. 

The sun will still rise again tomorrow, until it doesn’t. Until we draw our last breath we will be running. 

Paul’s exhortation?

Intentional learning. Intentional living. Intentional loving.. 

Run in such a way.....

In 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 we see that Paul becomes all things to all men in order to save some. THIS is intentional love. To Disciple someone is to walk along side of them and teach them disciplines. It is important that our race does not become a tripping hazard.

Discipleship and Mentoring

A small thought at the end of my day.

Lately I have been thinking about the importance of Discipleship and making Disciples, and I wonder - “ where have all the good men gone”?!!. 
I know of a young male who has met Jesus and is desperate for a mentor - someone to walk along side him and teach him the way of the Master. 

I started to think about all the men I know and could honestly say only a few of them would know how to Disciple, but are too busy to take this young guy on.

This lead me to questioning what Discipleship looks like in the 21st century. 

What are the foundations. Can anyone do it? 

If we are to “Go into all the Earth, Preach and teach and make Disciples’ what does that mean? Women seem to know how to talk; but disciple? And when men get together do they dabble in the Word - so to speak?
Simply put - 

Preach - tell them how it is

Teach - make them understand

Disciple - walk with them through life to help them discipline themselves to be more Christlike

Is this happening today in modern Churches? I would have to say no, it isn’t. Pastors have grasped Alter calls, but not the ‘discipling’ Process.

Most Churches are about the show, the numbers, the Pastors talk, the programs, the money. They are simply too busy to do the things that count. 

Imagine for a second that the Pastor stood at the pulpit and asked people to stand up who:

Shared the Gospel of Jesus this week with an unbeliever and what was their name?

or if they deliberately spent time with someone younger or older mentoring them. 

An Alter call is NOT obedience to the call. Where is the follow up? It is the follow up that is Discipleship. Feeding the sheep is relational.

What a difference to the Church of believers it would be if the line of mentoring was a priority, maybe even accountability to ‘making disciples’.

Let the older women teach the younger women..... (Titus 2:4-6).

The concept is invaluable. But alas - there are very few men who think it applies to them. 

Discipleship is not just about getting together and being social, it is deliberate about learning ‘the way’ and walking in it with accountability. If there was a ‘Sinners Anonymous ‘ then we would all have a sponsor to call on to keep us on the right track. 

If I had not had so many women and mentors in my life then I don’t know where my Faith would be, it is the inspiration and challenges I have received from them to keep going, that has kept me growing. 

I fear for my children, for this next generation of believers.....

Does any follower care enough to ‘train up’; to Disciple? 

Start your next conversation with “How is your walk with the Lord going? What have you read lately?” Then discuss it. 

Obedience. Tick. 

Run with perseverence...

HEBREWS 12:1-4

I had a task of rewriting this scripture in my own words; simple as it should have been, I found myself encroaching upon a novel of grand proportions! You know this one - it's the one about running the race with perseverance and fixing your eyes upon Jesus (if you don't, look it up).

I had to step back, take a breath and try again.

For days now I have found myself pondering on the words and phrases Paul used and trying to imagine the personage behind them.

This is what I ended up with: (read this aloud, not in your head, a bit slower than normal. Pause sometimes.)

................................

Amidst the ‘how’s’ and ‘who’s’, Paul gives us one instruction here – Run with perseverance the race….

Imagine for a moment you are standing in position at the starting line, you look around. The grandstand is full, the other competitors are at the ready. The race is carefully marked out. You know there is a finish line.

There you stand, ready to go.

You slow your breathing, adjust your position and wait for the gun. Intense feelings.

BANG!!!

There it is. And you’re off.

You take your first step. You stumble and fall.

Lifting your eyes, you only see the backs of the other competitors.

Confusion sets in.

Your vision is blurred.

Looking down at your feet you wonder what just happened.

Then you hear it.

The Authors voice.

            “Look at me”.

            “Consider what I endured'.  The blood.

            “Look to the crowd”.

            “Now run”.

Lifting your head you feel like all eyes are on you.

Surrounding you are the great men and women of faith who have gone before; some ran the race but didn’t receive the prize and some ran the race and received an automatic pass. You see it is different for everyone, I now realise this.

Some lost body limbs and others their lives from bystanders who used rocks and swords. The firstborn, Abel, only took a few steps before his race was abruptly cut short by another competitor!

And yet, here they are. Cheering you on. Reminding you of ‘how’ and ‘why’.

Get up! Keep running! Faith will sustain you.

You pick yourself up.

This time you are determined to run again, but this time your eyes will be on the Author & Perfector.

Resolute.

This time you will listen to the witnesses.

As you run you notice others stumbling and fall.

Now it is your voice that echoes amongst the Great Cloud of witnesses.

“Get up! Keep running! Faith will sustain you”.

You may not finish the race. You may limp part of the way. You may 'feel' abandoned.

But you are not alone, never have you been and never will you be.

................................................................

Unpacking (Study notes - if you are limited for time you don't need to read these)

Therefore:

Therefore what?

It means to read the Chapter before... that's the why...

Abel - The firstborn of all mankind, By faith offered to God his best and was murdered for it.

Enoch - By Faith took 10 steps in the race and was taken straight to the finish line. 

Noah - By faith built a boat with no water for miles. He was considered righteous.

Abraham - By faith obeyed and was considered righteous.

Sarah - By faith believed God and was blessed.

Isaac - By faith blessed his children and was considered righteous.

Jacob - By faith blessed Josephs Son.

Moses' Parents - By faith hid him and trusted God.

Moses - By faith gave up his Earthly inheritance to be faithful to His heavenly Father.

The Israelites - By faith walked on the Ocean bed with walls of scarry water all around them and enemies behind them, not knowing what lay ahead. They overcame and were blessed.

Rehab - By faith protected God's people putting her own life at risk and was blessed, protected.

Then there are those that should get a mention: Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, The Prophets - By Faith: 

• Conquered Kingdoms
• Administered Justice
• Gained what was promised
• Shut the mouths of lions
• Quenched fiery flames
•  Escaped the sword
• Weakness turned to strength
• Were powerful in battle
• Rerouted foreign armies
• Women received back their dead
• People were raised to life
• Some were tortured; jeered at; flogged; chained; imprisoned; stoned to death; sawn in two; had no clothes, food and were destitute; mistreated, persecuted, wandered in the desert; lived in caves and lived in holes in the ground.

Heb 11vs 40 And yet they didn't receive what was promised because God had other better plans.

"Let us"  

A corporate race - one body many members. Individual but side by side.

"Run"  

• Keep doing the task at hand.
• One foot in front of the other
• Stay focused
• Control the elements - steady your breathing, ease the cramps and stretch, take control of the mindset of defeat, don't look around and be jealous - concentrate, develop or break a rhythm.

"Persevere" 

Put up with it. Keep going. Control your mindset.

"Marked out"

God strategically planned the course you are on, with all the valleys and mountains, the rocks on the road and bends in the path. The people you encounter and the place where your foot lands.... Definitive lines were carefully marked out by the Author. and He will keep you perfectly (IF...). 

HOW?

1. Observe those who witnessed to you 
2. Throw off the things that get in the way, the entrapments
3. Keep your eyes on Jesus
4. Know with certainty that the race was purposefully marked out for you by the Author.
5. Don't forget Jesus or you WILL grow weary and lose heart AND hope. Don't forget there is a finish line.

From Today's study I was further challenged to remember that:

•  'I' can be an obstacle in my own race. 
• Jesus also ran the race and knows the challenges oh so well. 
• Be Spiritually fit and the Holy Spirit will carry you in times of great need. 
• And finally when faced with a grey line, ask yourself "Does it help me run?". 

Now get out there, work out who you are in this race called life and run as best you can.
Get up! Keep running! Faith will sustain you.