Parenting tip 101

Disclaimer  : I am simply a mother and grandmother, I do not claim to be right all the time and my lesson is my own, use it or don’t, your journey is your own. 

First time obedience (FTO). Impossible? I beg to differ. 

As an adult, if I walk past a chair and kick my toe, you can bet your bottom dollar that the next time I walk past that same chair I will definitely walk around it. If I hit my head on a low lying beam, next time I will duck. If I burn myself on a hot cup, next time I will hold it differently.

How do we teach FTO? And why is it important?

I truly hope you are not one of the parents who think counting to three is the best way to train a child. If your toddler is standing in the middle of the road and your training method is to count to three, you will not have a toddler for very long! Imagine a toddler in the middle of the road having a stand off with their parent, and the parent counts to three?!!! It is dangerous to teach a toddler that they are allowed to decide what is best for their life, they have no age based experiences to be able to make smart decisions. 

First time obedience works to protect a child in matters of danger. A loving parent is never going to put their child in a position that could compromise them, so first time obedience is another healthy parenting behaviour to help build a healthy human. 

When a teacher asks your child to do a task, FTO will help.
When an employer asks them to do a task, FTO will help.
Parenting is made easier with FTO. Without FTO, a parent becomes a threatening/repetitive parent. This behaviour teaches a child that the parent does not have to be listened to because they make hollow threats. Your word should be your word - making you a trustworthy parent, reliable and always there for them.

I am not going to talk about corporal punishment (smacking), although I agree with smacking, I also believe that it is not always the first line of discipline. A toddler only needs their hand squeezed and a firm word. Too many parents blackmail, bribe, connive, mock, yell, manipulate etc.. So adding smacking to these unhealthy parenting traits is not ok.

FTO: Ask once, expect it done. When it isn't done, follow up with consequences - natural or corporal (fitting and loving). When you ask, don't hover over them as this is confrontational, give them the reason 'why', ask and then give them the chance to independently make a choice. It is important that you allow time for a child to process the request, understand the why and carry out the task - children do not have the bigger picture like their parents, they live moment to moment. 

The human brain is amazing! It has the capacity to learn, grow, change, adjust, adapt. 
The 'why' behind the 'what' takes age to process, so until the child grows into cognitive awareness, all they need is the 'what'. Around the age of 18months is when simple instructions have a 'reason why' behind them. This will increase the child's understanding and ability to start making decisions based on consciousness. (Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional - I am just an experienced Mother)

Let me give you an example. 

My Grandson loved to go into the kitchen when his Mother was cooking. At the age of 15months he would hang around her legs. I suggested that we retrain him because as he gets bigger it will be hard to stop him from hurting himself.
We placed tape on the floor in the entry to the kitchen. Every-time he would come into the kitchen we would pick him up, tell him he was not allowed in there and then place him just outside the entryway near the tape. We did this for a day.
The following day he would look at the line, and then at his Mum and made the decision that he wanted to go into the kitchen anyway. He now knew the expectation so it was time to enforce it.
We did the same thing as yesterday but with a firm word and a squeeze of the hand. He recognised this as discipline and cried. By the afternoon of the second day he would stand at the line and motion to her. Now, at the age of 22months, he is aware that the kitchen is out of bounds and if he does enter it, it only takes one verbal reminder (FTO) followed by a measured response if he does not obey. 

Look for ways to teach first time obedience, it could save your child's life. It will save your parenting from turning you into a crazy, angry, threatening parent.

It is never too late to start. you've got this - you are older, wiser and understand the big picture. Be bold, be strong but be loving... Now go parent because ach moment is the first time you are experiencing it, so do the best you can. Love will always win. 

Mrs Zebadee

 Mt 20:20 'Then the mother of Zebadee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favour of him. "What is it you want?"he asked. She said "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in the kingdom."...... 'you do not know what you are asking'... said Jesus.

This scripture was read at church a few weeks ago, and three words in, I stopped listening! I didn't hear the rest of the message as my mind wandered to Mrs Zebadee. 

It is not unusual for a mother to approach Jesus and ask for the best for her children. We do that, right?

But what was she really asking for? 

Here we have a woman who supports her husband's business in the fishing industry. She would have prepared food daily and sent her boys to work with their father. Busy all day with chores, waiting for them to return from work to care or their needs. We don't know how many son's she had but we do know of two - James and John. 

I think of what she witnessed over a period of three years. Her two boys, the apples of her eye, most likely were needing to work with their father to keep them out of trouble. One day they were called by a Rabbi to 'come follow me' and off they went.

Can you hear the mother’s heart in her question? 

Perhaps over the last three years she wondered about the boys; were they warm? Well fed? Were they safe and where are they sleeping tonight? 

Perhaps she was unsure about this Rabbi, he seems to have enemies, and there were conflicting rumours that were concerning. 

Mr Zebadee lost two of his helpers, surely she saw the extra fatigue in her husband’s face as his workload grew and his hours increased. 

So what was she asking Jesus for? Jesus had already provided more income to their family, perhaps in a way to compensate for the reduction in labour force, he gave them such a large catch that it would have generated finances for the family while the boys were away. 

She asked Jesus for three things: position, protection and provision. Do we not ask the very same things of Jesus for our own children? I know I do, I hear it in my quiet plea’s for my children; keep them safe, may they follow you and please let them get that xxxxx (job, car, house, partner, health). 

As a mother I make my requests known to the Lord all the time and yet my prayers are laced with fear for them, fear that the world may harm them or that their decisions may have adverse consequences. I, too, have a mother’s heart like Mrs Zebadee. 

Lord Jesus, please protect my children, please keep them safe from the enemy and his world systems, please make them prosperous and please be close to them, for I know you love them more than I do. 

May this insight be fruitful within you. 

X Rebecca 

Parenting Standards

The topic I'd like to look at today is this: If there is a standard of behaviour in society, should I lower it to meet my child? Or should I raise my child up to meet the standard?

I don't often write about parenting due to the varying styles apparent in society. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to raising children. However, we all have the same legal obligations placed on us as parents in any definition. In Australia they are:

• Section 61B of the Family Law Act 1975 is: 'parental responsibility, in relation to a child, means all the duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which, by law, parents have in relation to children'.
• A 'child' is defined as a person under the age of 18 (child of a person, or child of a marriage. (Family Law Act 1975 - s4 http://www6.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s4.html#child)

One thing we know for sure is that there is a standard expected in society, but no-one can define what this standard should be or how to teach it in children. 

Even the most negligent parent enforces obedience to their instructions, even if those instructions are far from the accepted norm. 

In raising our 6 children, we based our standards on the Christian Bible. We are told that we have great young adults, but as parents we can see so many areas where we failed our children. Let me be clear - we don't feel successful and we don't feel that they are all making great life choices. We are proud of them in our own special way and do love them all immensely. 

The Christian values taught them to be honest, kind, thoughtful, hard workers etc

If a child is shy, does that mean they don't have to say hello to someone?

If a child is tired, does that give them the right to scream to get their way?

If a child does not want to wear a jacket on a very cold day, does that mean they are making the right choices?

Just because the child is learning to assert their own will does not mean they don't get held to a standard of behaviour. Allowing a child to make decisions before they have the knowledge base of the consequences of those decisions, is negligence on behalf of a parent. The parent needs to train a child to trust their 'aged' experience. This does not always imply 'discipline', but it does always imply training and safe consequences.

When your child goes to school they are held to a standard of behaviour. As a parent you are setting them up to succeed or fail based solely on the way you raise them at home before they are 4 and a half years old. 

Can I base this on science or fact? No, I am simply a Mum sharing my experiences, however, I do hope you can see that your direct influence on your child has a direct impact on their behaviour. 

I hope this blog has been thought provoking to you today. If you disagree, please note that that is your freedom to do so. 

Parenting and Footy?

Raising six children had its challenges that's for sure, but it also gave me many life experiences that I may never had have if it were not for my strong, Independent young people!

I often liken parenting to the process of a football game. There are many parts to be played but all have an impact at different stages, this can lead to success or failure.

First stage: Training. (1-4yrs)

Training is hard, it takes a natural action/reaction/habit/behaviour and transforms it to a conventional set of rules. The trainer trains the athlete's body, conditions it, teaches them how to fall, get up and go again. They are trained in resilience, health, time management, behaviour etc

In parenting, we train our children in the correct, socially acceptable behaviours (if we are any sort of parent). We discipline, correct, train and teach.

Second stage: Referee. (5-11yrs)

The Referee controls the game. They run just as much as the players, call timeouts, penalises poor play,  positions the players, and no-one has as much power as the Ref. 

In parenting we do this too. It is very tiring and they run us ragged at times - sport, school functions, camps, friends, sleepovers, teacher interviews, sibling rivalry, music lessons.... the list goes on. We make them eat good food for their health, get enough sleep, choose good friends, do their homework,, You know what I mean!

Third stage: Coaching. (12-16)

The Coach sits on the sideline, belting out instructions, sometimes the players listen, sometimes they don't. The coach claps at times and yells at times. His only goal is success for his players. The locker room comes with much discussion after the game.

As a parent I found this the hardest stage. My children either chose to listen to my instructions or chose not to listen. At this stage of life they start to assert their own free will and knowledge base, they made decisions that often didn't work out. Most of our arguments came at this stage of life because there was an awareness that it was their game now.

Fourth stage: Manager. (17-24)

The manager sits in the coaches box and watches the game, taking notes and giving feedback after the game. 

In parenting we allow our children to make mistakes and talk about them when the young adult is ready to listen and talk. 

The final stage is Friend/Colleague. (25+)

This is when we go the pub with our player and either celebrate the win or commiserate the loss. 

In parenting we become friends, talk, laugh and cry together. We support each other through life. 

I wrote this blog for my daughter Holly, who is currently in the training stage of parenting. Be encouraged Holly, this is the natural journey of all parents weather they know it or not. You are doing great!

Yes - Mary and Martha AGAIN!

When I was given the passage for Bible study, and read that it was on Mary and Martha, I found myself saying ‘Really Lord? Must I really look at this scripture again? I have studied it for years... surely I can’t get anything else out of it’ 

But He told me to just look at it again.

So I did. 

He told me to stop focusing on Mary or Martha, but on HIM.

He was approachable. That’s right - interruptible - and by a woman! And a single woman for that matter! If you know the culture then you know that this was taboo.

He was recognised as having authority over women. Martha, a stranger, appealed to Him because even though He was a guest in her house, He held the balance of power, He was the ‘head’.

I asked the question ‘why this house’ and ‘how did He happen upon this house?’ The answer is found earlier in the passage, when He sent out two of His Disciples to find a house of peace, and to eat whatever food was given to them.... hence the house of Mary, Martha and their brother Lazarus. 

Martha wasn’t all bad; she recognised Him, welcomed Him and His men in, prepared food to serve - she had a gift of discernment and a servant heart... 

I think Jesus addresses in her the need to be a ‘Kingdom thinker’, and that when she does that it won’t ever be taken away from her - comparing herself to Mary WILL.

It reiterated to me that this world and all of it’s enforced traditions, obligations and expectations will be surpassed by keeping our eyes fixed on the prize - Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. I don’t think Martha’s judgement call was wrong, but perhaps untimely and she wasn’t prioritising the important things - she invited Him in not only to serve Him - She would have known He was a Rabbi, and what a Rabbi teaches, it was considered an honour to have a Rabbi in your home. 

Perhaps Martha thought that he was like other Rabbi’s and needed to be fed and served, but Jesus showed that He was not interested in the Earthly expectations of men on women, or the pressures of society to meet a certain standard in mens eyes, but right here, in this moment,  Jesus elevates women to an equal status with men - ‘sit and be taught by me, be single minded, lay aside the worries and demands on you and just linger in My presence......’

After reading and studying this scripture a hundred times since salvation, I finally see Jesus - not the traditionally complaining Martha, or the accused lazy sister - but the man who came to bring salvation to the world - His words are worth listening to and my choice to choose Him over every expectation on me will never be taken away. 

He is my priority. 

The Vine and me.

John 15:4

It’s difficult to single out a phrase from Jesus without reading the context, though this was our challenge this week. Verse 4 in John’s Chapter 15 is surrounded by some great words of wisdom, words to chew on, an analogy to help us grasp a concept by which to live by.  Jesus teaches us so well that a couple of thousand years later here we are - still pulling it apart and grappling with the practical applications.

Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 

After the upper room, where the Disciples are most likely feeling a bit confused by the thought that Jesus was going to leave them; on their way down to Jerusalem, they pass by a vineyard. Jesus pauses for a moment. He likens himself to the Vine, and His Father to the gardener/vinedresser. He tells us that we are the branches and can only produce fruit if we remain in Him. 

While pondering this for a few days, the concept of Symbiosis popped into my mind. In and of itself a branch can do nothing but wither away. Only attached to the Vine can it grow, but only if the Vine is attached to the roots, and only if the roots are well planted and feed. Hence the fruit can only grow when the gardener tends to the soil. This relationship is such a beautiful one, and it all focuses on the production of fruit - fruit flowers are beautiful, the fruit gives so much life to the recipient and is important for life - yet fruit did not grow itself.... behind it is some pretty serious love and nurture. Remind you of something? (A teenager perhaps? US?)

“Remain in Me, and I will remain in you”.....

Cause and effect? Reciprocal? Conditional Imperative?

This relationship is 100% dependant upon human will.

Today - Will I? Or Won’t I?

The branch.

Within a branch is where all the action happens. The outer shell of the branch scales, ages and sheds as the inside grows, plumps. The natural end of the relationship is fruit, but in order to get there the branch has to grow. The inner fibres and tissues receive life and cleanse itself through the vine. 

Interestingly, as the branch gets bigger and older, it actually produces bigger and better fruit. 

When the gardener prunes, He also prunes off good healthy growth that may subtract away from the fruit. 

Fruit can be enjoyed and the seed falls to the ground to continue the cycle of life - perhaps likened to us imparting into another persons child, or older women training the younger woman? Food for thought..

The fruit

What is this fruit that should naturally grow out of the healthy relationship between the branch and the vine? Galatians 5:22-23 gives us some insight to this natural end that should be characteristic of every believer...... love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. 

Here is a relationship of submission - the Vine to the gardener, the branch to the Vine, the fruit to the branch. As the branch, we should drink in the life giving water that the Vine provides - the Holy Spirit, this leads to the natural end of fruit production and hence new life. 

The word ‘remain’ is used as a verb, an action word, to permanently tarry when all others leave. It again points to our decisions.... 

Today, Will I? Or Won’t I? 

Remaining attached to the Vine is to submit to the Vine dresser. To source our life and direction from the flowing waters/nourishment of the Holy Spirit.

Will I get my direction from the world or the Word? 

If you decide today to remain in Jesus, it will lead to blessing and life.

If you decide today to not remain in Jesus it will lead to curse and death. 

CHOOSE this day.....

Run in such a way....

Staying in the race is the easy part - not getting ‘side-tracked’ or ‘side-lined’, now that is the challenge.

Paul encourages us to ‘run in such a way as to win the prize and not get disqualified’ (paraphrased of course). This is not the only time he mentions running a race to win a prize (Philippians 3:14; Hebrews 12:1). He exhorts us to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, with perseverance and with focus.

On one hand, Paul tells us he doesn’t consider himself yet to have taken hold of it (Philippians 3:13) and then on the other hand he says he has “ fought the good fight, and finished the race” (2 Tim 4:7).

So then, what do we know of this race we are to run?

Well firstly, he is referring to the path we walk called life (SING ‘It’s life Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know, not as we know it).

And secondly he says to run it “In such a way...”  1 Corinthians 9:24-27

This is what I want to focus on.....

In such a way.....

‘That I myself may not be disqualified ‘

How do we get disqualified from a race? 

Break the rules 

Injury

Decision

‘In such a way’ - clearly meaning with knowledge of the rules then obedience, with integrity (doing the right thing even when no-one is looking) and application (put into practice, intentionally, that which you have been instructed to do).

So would it be fair to minimise it to these three words?

KNOW the Bible

OBEY the Word

APPLY the instructions 

KNOW OBEY APPLY - pick a book in the New Testament and simply read it. Read the whole letter as it was meant to be read. Try reading it out loud. Ask the Lord Himself to highlight something to ponder on. Then do it. 

1 Pe 3:15 tells us to always be ready with an answer for what we believe. You simply CANNOT do this IF you do not KNOW the Word. As a believer in Christ, it is imperative that you know the Word. 

1 Samuel 15:22 tells us that God would prefer us to Obey then sacrifice- Obey what? HIM! How do we know what He wants from us? We MUST read HIS Word.

To not be disqualified? This word in Greek is ‘Adokimos’ which when translated to the English means ‘a test of Apostleship’. It does not mean loss of salvation which many imply.

((Further reading where Paul backs this up :- Ro 8:13; Col 1:22-23; Heb 3:6; Heb 3:14; 1Pe 1:5))

The call on an Apostles life is ultimately found in these two Scriptures- 

1 Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself.

2 GO into all the Earth, preach and teach the Good news and make disciples.

We can be disqualified from the race for not obeying the rules, or for getting injured ( so as to not look after ourselves) or by Deciding we simply can’t or don’t want to do it. 

We are never out of the race. We may get side-tracked (distractions). We may be side-lined. But our team, the body of Christ, continues to run corporately. 

The sun will still rise again tomorrow, until it doesn’t. Until we draw our last breath we will be running. 

Paul’s exhortation?

Intentional learning. Intentional living. Intentional loving.. 

Run in such a way.....

In 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 we see that Paul becomes all things to all men in order to save some. THIS is intentional love. To Disciple someone is to walk along side of them and teach them disciplines. It is important that our race does not become a tripping hazard.