Disclaimer : I am simply a mother and grandmother, I do not claim to be right all the time and my lesson is my own, use it or don’t, your journey is your own.
First time obedience (FTO). Impossible? I beg to differ.
As an adult, if I walk past a chair and kick my toe, you can bet your bottom dollar that the next time I walk past that same chair I will definitely walk around it. If I hit my head on a low lying beam, next time I will duck. If I burn myself on a hot cup, next time I will hold it differently.
How do we teach FTO? And why is it important?
I truly hope you are not one of the parents who think counting to three is the best way to train a child. If your toddler is standing in the middle of the road and your training method is to count to three, you will not have a toddler for very long! Imagine a toddler in the middle of the road having a stand off with their parent, and the parent counts to three?!!! It is dangerous to teach a toddler that they are allowed to decide what is best for their life, they have no age based experiences to be able to make smart decisions.
First time obedience works to protect a child in matters of danger. A loving parent is never going to put their child in a position that could compromise them, so first time obedience is another healthy parenting behaviour to help build a healthy human.
When a teacher asks your child to do a task, FTO will help.
When an employer asks them to do a task, FTO will help.
Parenting is made easier with FTO. Without FTO, a parent becomes a threatening/repetitive parent. This behaviour teaches a child that the parent does not have to be listened to because they make hollow threats. Your word should be your word - making you a trustworthy parent, reliable and always there for them.
I am not going to talk about corporal punishment (smacking), although I agree with smacking, I also believe that it is not always the first line of discipline. A toddler only needs their hand squeezed and a firm word. Too many parents blackmail, bribe, connive, mock, yell, manipulate etc.. So adding smacking to these unhealthy parenting traits is not ok.
FTO: Ask once, expect it done. When it isn't done, follow up with consequences - natural or corporal (fitting and loving). When you ask, don't hover over them as this is confrontational, give them the reason 'why', ask and then give them the chance to independently make a choice. It is important that you allow time for a child to process the request, understand the why and carry out the task - children do not have the bigger picture like their parents, they live moment to moment.
The human brain is amazing! It has the capacity to learn, grow, change, adjust, adapt.
The 'why' behind the 'what' takes age to process, so until the child grows into cognitive awareness, all they need is the 'what'. Around the age of 18months is when simple instructions have a 'reason why' behind them. This will increase the child's understanding and ability to start making decisions based on consciousness. (Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional - I am just an experienced Mother)
Let me give you an example.
My Grandson loved to go into the kitchen when his Mother was cooking. At the age of 15months he would hang around her legs. I suggested that we retrain him because as he gets bigger it will be hard to stop him from hurting himself.
We placed tape on the floor in the entry to the kitchen. Every-time he would come into the kitchen we would pick him up, tell him he was not allowed in there and then place him just outside the entryway near the tape. We did this for a day.
The following day he would look at the line, and then at his Mum and made the decision that he wanted to go into the kitchen anyway. He now knew the expectation so it was time to enforce it.
We did the same thing as yesterday but with a firm word and a squeeze of the hand. He recognised this as discipline and cried. By the afternoon of the second day he would stand at the line and motion to her. Now, at the age of 22months, he is aware that the kitchen is out of bounds and if he does enter it, it only takes one verbal reminder (FTO) followed by a measured response if he does not obey.
Look for ways to teach first time obedience, it could save your child's life. It will save your parenting from turning you into a crazy, angry, threatening parent.
It is never too late to start. you've got this - you are older, wiser and understand the big picture. Be bold, be strong but be loving... Now go parent because ach moment is the first time you are experiencing it, so do the best you can. Love will always win.
